Blog .vs. Life - Part 2

Hey cutie!

It's 11pm, and if you too are a blogger, you will also know that starting a post this late (especially a heart felt one) at night is risky business.
Aka this may become ranty.
You see, I'm having a bit of a dilemma.

It's been on the horizon for a while, but alas, I could not hold it off for any longer.
I had to sit down and talk to you.  
 I know it's a phase.
I know I'll 'get' over it.
I can't even imagine scraping this blog.
Like ever ever ever ever ever.
Narda. That's never happening rest assured.
 Your sweet lil presence in my little online corner guides me like a lighthouse, keeping me surprisingly calm in this crazy ocean of the internet.
You are my safe little haven.
Something very sacred to me.
Which is kind of why I need you more so than ever.
You see, I've suddenly realised that I'm drowning in this gigantic metaphorical ocean.
I never thought I would but I am. I'm finding it increasingly hard to stay a float with my blog and internet life.
When I started my blog, I was using it as;
a) MAINLY to connect with cuties/like-minded others and share content/thoughts.
b) a distraction from illness & problems. (Both of which I still am)
c) Kinda as a rebellion towards my sixth form education as a "HA look! I never turn up to lessons but I can do this!"
I'm now looking back and wondering how on earth I posted three times a week in my first year of blogging. 
Since September, I've really been kicking myself.
The fact that a year ago I had so much on my plate: Sixth Form, Alevels, coursework, friends, boyfriend, ill health.
I have almost zero to none worries unlike this time last year.
Now I'm taking a gap year for my health in order to give my body time to heal, physically and mentally, I am making sure I prioritise my health over EVERYTHING.
This is crucial to me, as from the moment I first got ill, I had a crazy amount of pressure on me to carry on despite pain-  achieve my gcses, get my alevels etc.
And now I'm here.
I can breathe.
I'm at the top of this huge mountain which I've finally finally conquered with absolutely no breaks (so far!), taking a well deserved breather and surveying the absolutely breath-taking view.
I did it.
The only worry, really, now being my blog. 
(Until I have to start thinking about if I go to Uni in September)
I'm one of those people who believes that if you're going to do something, you do it with your all.
Don't do or start something if you don't treat if like you're already at that end goal.
Which is why I'm so bad at getting things done. I hate only half arsing even the simplest things, so I just don't do them instead.
Because of this, and due to my illness, you could say that I'm appalling at getting anything done - because my health never lets me do it fully.
Like most bloggers, professionalism and consistency is my number one rule.
But I don't have a big end goal with blogging.
I know that with my situation I would horrendously struggle with being a blogger as a living, so as a result as this, I have subconsciously taught myself to not to treat my blog so commercially - because I simply can't give it my all.
Sure, being a full time blogger sounds incredible (and exhausting), but I couldn't keep up that professional-always-perfect-blogger act online for long. I really couldn't, I'd become so ill.
So I don't set myself that long term goal of being the next Burr or Sugg. I simply set myself the goal of being present as much as possible, sharing my life and having fun with those I connect with online.
But currently, I can't even seem to achieve that goal.
At first, I scolded myself a lot for what I saw as 'lazy'.
That's when I realised.
I didn't juggle life better a year ago. Not at all.
My school work/grades suffered because I prioritised my blog and now, because I'm prioritising my health for the first time ever, my blog is suffering as a result.
It took me a while to realise this, I just couldn't see this fact through all the self hate and anger of not being able to run this gorgeous blog.
A factor that contributes to this hate is how FAST this industry is now moving.
When I started blogging in 2011, I never thought it would become such a big movement. 
I now feel that I'm missing out if I don't keep up every single day and it hurts quite a bit if I think too much about it.
I don't want to miss out on this amazing community and the fun it's having, but it's moving too fast and I'm too ill to keep up.
It's like gate crashing a party only to end up sitting in the corner watching everyone dance around.
I'm not glamourising blogging, I appreciate the sweat and tears that goes into it, but it is fantastically fun in every way to be a part of it. 
It sucks if you're on the outside looking in. That's what it feels like, so it demotivates me a lot.
So I'm writing this as a sort of peace offering or treaty to myself.
To pacify myself and in simple terms say 'stop beating yourself up you utter wally'.
I'm also writing this to apologise to you.
I am a natural writer, I'm not going anywhere, my blog will always be the home for my scatty thoughts.
But I wanted to let you know that these thoughts maybe slow coming for a while.
Just a while.
For once, I'm forcing myself to look after my health and to recover from five years of utter torture.
I deserve it.
I deserve to lie in bed all day for weeks on end without a care in the world after all the shite I've put myself though.
I deserve time to myself to actually think and nourish my soul and not worry about having to keep myself upright.
I deserve to do absolutely nothing for as long as I want with no mental stress harming my body.
I have to be careful that I don't lose myself by over indulging in time to myself, but I'm working on a balance.
It's hard, I get lonely but then I remember I'm not alone, so I'll get there. 
I'll learn to always like my company eventually.
I've been ill for so long, I lost myself to the illness and the standards of maintaining a normal life that I kinda have forgot what I was and who I want to be.
I love my personality, the people around me are amazing and make me feel alive, but at times I was a shell.
I need myself back, and I feel this is the only way to do it.
I may not enjoy the resting and I will regret not making the most of my free time by travelling etc, but future Poppy, please remember how poorly you were.
Don't be a meaner to your past self.
Don't beat yourself up because you've forgotten what it's like to be housebound and you're frustrated at that 'lost time'.
 I can assure you it wasn't lost at all.
Half of me can't wait to get out the other end of this and rebuild my life again but the other half wants to take it ridiculously slow and savour it.
I just know that it's going to teach me a lot about myself.
This is weird phase I'm going through, quite a different lifestyle to anything I've experienced before, so I'd appreciate your company my friend.
It'd be nice to have you along with me during this twilight zone chapter of my life.
I could really do with you sticking around.
Thank you for somehow getting through this thought process essay.
I decided to word vomit, I needed it.
Thank you for being there for me.
Even if you proof read it, you are the bomb.
Is anyone else feeling like this right now? I can't be the only one in a twilight zone?
Please tell me if you are, I'd love to talk to you. Or even if you're in need of a friend, do stop by and say hello.
I hope you have a wonderful day and make this week count!
PS PS PS PS I have some really cool news I'm going to share with you this week so stop by my twitter; @p0ppyfield, ekk!
Stay beautiful and stay safe.
Have you read my charity posts here? My dry skin remedy here? Or my tips on surviving a bad nights sleep here? Tell me what you think!
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2 comments

  1. I LOVE and NEEDED this post. I'm exactly the same. I've been ill for so long and you kinda forget how much it mentally and physically drains you. You push it away as much as possible but it always sits in the back of your mind, silently draining you.

    You need to listen to your body and mind. And when you need a break. Do it. I had to take a week off last week due to an operation that got infected and I hated myself for a while for not being active. And then I realised I got into blogging because I love writing not because I wanted to write everyday. And it made it a tad easier.

    I'm not going to say that I now 100% am happy to stop sometimes. But it makes it a tad easier to accept.

    You're not alone. There's loads of us in this boat. So thanks for writing this!!

    Amanda. Amandabootes.co.uk.

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    Replies
    1. This was honestly such a wonderful comment, Amanda. Wow, you truly overwhelmed me!
      Gosh, I am just amazed that I gave someone that 'I needed to hear that' feeling bc it's just a great feeling & to think someone had it bc of me!
      I am so proud of you for being so gracious towards your body and health, despite your struggles you have achieved and outstanded me by simply staying afloat in the blogging boat.
      We can stay afloat together! Tbh I think I reealllly needed to hear every word you just said too, it's is such a relief that this isn't 'all in my head'.
      Thank you for giving me a piece of mind!
      I look forward to replying to your tweet and catching up with you sweetpea, you are a radiant soul indeed.
      Thank you again for dropping by and speak soon, all my love xxx

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